We all make mistakes. And many times, the wrong behaviors we succumb to happen during times of isolation—similar to what we’re going through now with so much time at home.
But sinful actions don’t remain in seclusion. They always spread through us and then to those we love and share community with day-to-day. As we come to terms with our failures and wrong-doings, it’s great when we can forgive ourselves enough to move on in life. But it’s often difficult for those closest to us—namely our spouse—to do the same.
In his article posted below, Joe Dallas—author of 5 Steps to Breaking Free From Porn—shares several tips for married men who are wishing to rebuild trust with their wives after admitting to using pornography while married.
Three statements to avoid when coming clean about porn use:
1. “I’m r-e-a-l-l-y sorry!”
Fervency is all well and good, but manipulating your way back into someone’s good graces with a super intense apology is immature and usually unconvincing. True repentance is only proved through changed behavior over time.
2. “Lighten up, it’s just a guy thing!”
When you minimize the severity of that betrayal, you give your wife a good reason to think you’ll use it again. If porn is just a guy thing — and assuming you’ll be a guy for the rest of your life — why should she believe that you’ll change?
3. “I said I’m sorry. Why can’t we just get back to normal?”
Pushing for the quick recovery of sexual and emotional betrayal is unfair and insensitive, especially if you’re the one who broke the connection in the first place.
Changing your behavior—and heart—most likely means you need to seek counseling and support to get to the root of the issues driving your pornography use.
Three truths to declare:
1. Your intent — as in, “These are the steps I’m going to take so this never happens again. And this is my plan for rebuilding our bond and restoring your trust.”
2. Your insight— as in, “I understand I’ve damaged you and myself, and I endangered our family. I realize it will take time for me to fully grasp the enormity of these actions.”
3. Your inspiration — as in, “I’m renewing my intimacy with God through prayer and reading the Bible. I invite you to verify that I’m regularly investing in my spiritual life, in my accountability, and in our communication.”
As long as you’re willing to own your errors and show genuine concern over them, plus make practical steps to avoid repeating them, the bond with your wife will not only mend but grow stronger than ever.
© 2018 Joe Dallas. Originally published on FocusOnTheFamily.com.