Everyone has a theory about what makes up a real family.
But this post isn’t about a theory.
Rather, it’s about family—a “forever family,” as Mike McClanahan calls it.
This is a peek through an open window of Mike’s household and expressly his heart, made up of five children—four of which he adopted in 2016.
Mike’s story
During work hours, Mike is the full-time Missions Minister at First Baptist Hendersonville. But 24/7, he’s husband to Jennifer and father to four teenagers and a [biological] young adult son.
The makeup and nature of Mike’s family is a huge task, no doubt, with so many teenagers under one roof. But the calling on Mike and Jennifer to adopt their awesome kiddos is so much greater!
I asked Mike to share a bit of his story as well as his advice for others about the adoption process. Mike’s desire is that other couples will prayerfully consider adopting children of their own. After all, Mike believes, “It’s the hardest thing you’ll ever love!”
Why should people consider adoption as a parenting option?
First off, it’s a biblical call for all married couples to at least consider. The book of James explains that true religion is for us to care after widows and orphans in their distress (James 1:27). These children are vulnerable! In both foster care and adoption, it’s not always that both parents are deceased. But many times, the parent is simply not able to sufficiently care for the children in their home.
Also, fatherlessness is such a huge crisis in our world! The results of this have so many negative impacts on kids. But one can easily see how the spiritual hurt of fatherlessness can be overcome through adoption—where the adopting father is strong in his own Christian lifestyle of faith toward his children.
What impacted you and Jennifer to consider adoption?
We first had the desire to consider international adoption after seeing kids in Haiti where we had served in missions. The kids there were in devastating conditions. We saw the need and had room in our home and our hearts. So, we became open to the idea of adopting, and started praying about it as an option for our family.
There were also several conferences in Nashville around that time. We learned that there was such a shortage in Tennessee for foster parents. For kids who stay in foster care, many times they have parents whose rights have been terminated for various reasons. Older kids have less chance of having a forever family through adoption. And eventually, older teens “age out” of foster care, not equipped in any way for life. Many times, there’s no hope of the gospel penetrating the kid’s lives at that point.
Also, it’s a “double whammy” if a child in foster care has siblings because not all couples are ready to take on more than one child at a time. However, my belief is that if God calls a couple to adopt, He will equip them to do it!
Who all should be involved in the decision to adopt a child?
Ideally, the extended family should be fully supportive. They need to understand the nature of adoption. Meaning, adoption is about bringing someone into your family home—who already has developed a personality, traits, habits, likes, and dislikes of their own (especially true of older children/teens). It’s really similar to bringing in a stranger and melding them directly into your family.
What are some benefits of adoption?
Adoption provides stability and a forever family to the child(ren) you adopt. As believers, we’ve been adopted into God’s family. It’s the same for us when we adopt children.
For foster care children, there’s never that full assurance where they’ll spend the next night or how long the situation will last for them. So, for a child to have a family that chooses them as forever (and not temporary) through adoption, then spiritually it’s the same as when God demonstrates His love and acceptance of us by reaching out through His saving grace.
Speaking of grace—it has nothing to do with earning it. Rather, it’s a free gift! Most kids from foster care have some hard baggage that’s messy, ugly, and can be really scary. The states’ goal is to reunify foster kids with their original parents IF possible. Unfortunately, this is not always doable which then leaves the children without a secure family environment. Adoption can do wonders for a child’s stability!
Is it always best to adopt if you cannot have biological children?
Always? No. But despite whether or not a couple is able to conceive, adoption is something every Christian couple should at least consider. The first biblical mandate is to be fruitful and multiply (Genesis 9:7). Some cannot do this naturally because of infertility issues.
That said, not everyone is equipped to adopt either. It takes a special calling to be an adoptive parent. Couples need to pray a lot before adopting to be certain they are able to accept all that comes with it.
What are some red flags—that a couple should not adopt children?
When either parent has a “Pollyannaish” view of adoption—such as projecting their own hopes/dreams onto a child—that would be a red flag. This is because God may bring them a child who is very broken and may never fully heal from that. It’s not fair for parents to set up unrealistic expectations onto a child when that may not be at all what God has designed for him/her.
Also, adopting couples must have a strong marriage—solid in their faith and their relationship with one another. Without those, I don’t know how a marriage could survive the tremendous stresses of adopting children.
If one of the parents has issues with anger management, or is controlling and unable to deal with high stress or conflict—these would also be major red flags.
Is it good/bad/indifferent for children if the adopting parent is single?
Children need both a mother and a father. God established family in this way. It takes a team—a mom and a dad—to properly raise a child. Without one, a child does not fully understand God’s design for the marriage relationship.
An option for a single adult (who has the desire to be involved in a child’s life) would be to provide respite care for an adoptive couple. She could come alongside a family and help out on occasion with the kids, enjoy time with them, teach them skills, or simply have fun times together without the full responsibilities and stress of being the primary parent.
What are some real expectations that adoptive parents should have going into the process?
- God is going to mold and shape you more than you think. All of your flaws and weaknesses will be exposed through adopting. God will prune you in this process.
- Hopefully the children will come to know who Jesus is and allow God’s perfect healing to come into their life, but don’t expect that you can fix all the baggage from their lives before they came to your home.
- Sometimes parents want to adopt an infant, thinking there would not be problems to deal with since they’d be getting the child so young. But even with infants, there may be astounding issues! The birth mom could’ve been on drugs or alcohol that impacts the baby’s mental or physical development for years to come.
- Another note on expectations—our natural tendency is to expect gratitude from the adopted children. But, it’s not good to hold to this viewpoint. Again, children come through foster care situations into adoption carrying a tremendous load of issues they may have experienced or witnessed in their previous home(s). Regardless of how you may feel about “rescuing” them from those situations, the children do not always share your feelings or thoughts. Therefore, gratitude is not always displayed as one may expect.
What are 3-5 tips you would give to prospective adoptive parents?
- If adopting through the foster care system, look for an agency that works with the state. One example is Tennessee Baptist Children’s Homes. It is a great go-between that helps manage adoption cases, making it much easier for everyone. This provides an extra advocate who is looking out for the best interest of the child(ren) and helps the adoptive parents navigate all the issues that may arise.
- Consider foster-to-adopt first. In fact, some states require foster care before adoption can happen.
- Don’t scroll through photos on adoption web sites. Similar to dating web sites, there’s always a much bigger story behind a photo! Adoption is not something to rush into or take lightly.
- Be aware that levels of trauma (of the child) may change as time goes on. Understand what you and your spouse are truly able to handle for these changing levels.
Additional advice from Mike:
- The state provides a lot of help for adoptive parents—counseling, a trauma response team, training. Get trained beyond what the state may require.
- Build a network of support in your church. Be real and honest when someone asks you how it’s going. Adopting is a stressful experience for everyone involved.
- Stay open to how God guides you through this process, and with your new forever family!