We continue our three-part series on the various transitions and considerations involved for individuals and families when divorce splits through their household.
In Part One we looked at some initial repercussions of divorce on the “average” female in her thoughts and feelings following the dissolution of her marriage relationship. Now, we’ll venture into some matters of consideration for women who have children, as they proceed into the next phase of their lives as divorced, single mothers.
It’s not about you; It’s about what’s best for your children.” ~Anonymous
Caution: Children at play!
Divorce in itself brings about many obstacles for couples, but these complications are magnified and multiplied when children are in the mix! Not only are spouses dealing with their own high emotions and decisions about the future, children bring about many more considerations regarding “what’s best” for everyone involved.
Because of the effects divorce has on children, mothers need to act guardedly when it comes to adult males who are brought into close contact with them. Safety of children should be thought of as high priority! Bringing a new man (boyfriend/ husband) into familiar proximity of your children—girls and boys alike—must be taken seriously and with much caution. Counseling offices are full of regretful parents who introduced the two parties too quickly or did not consider potential threats to their child’s well-being.
Looking for love
It’s easy to become enthralled with a new love relationship during the initial phases of separating or divorcing from your spouse. The “good attention” from a new male friend can boost ones’ self-esteem that may have been lacking for years while married to the ex-husband. Nonetheless, it’s so important to put your romantic desires aside and think about what is best for your child(ren) during this time.
Other matters to consider about when it’s the best time for your children to mix too closely with your new boyfriend have to do with basic biology. Adult males are typically highly sexual in nature. Once you bring a new boyfriend/husband into your family as a new member of the household, boundaries are not as structured as they would be otherwise. There’s no longer the natural “taboos” in place that are normally between children and their biological father. The new male friend is now able to easily see your children (preschoolers, older children, and teenagers) in ways that could become a sexual temptation for him—possibly too difficult to resist. So, caution is a must!
Nobody like Dad!
Remember, your kids already have someone they think of as “Dad”—either their biological father or possibly the man you’ve just divorced. Regardless of how you feel about him, he’s the person your children think of as being their authority figure, their role model, the father they love, the person who has provided for them over the years. They are not desirous of having your new male friend take over this vitally important role—not yet and maybe not ever! And often, it works the other way as well. Your new boyfriend is most likely not ready to emotionally take the reins of fatherhood to your children—regardless of what he may tell you in an effort to win you over quickly.
The dissolution of marriage is a complicated matter. As you’ve become aware of, every aspect of life is affected when a family is divided through divorce.
In our next and last segment of this series, we’ll review some general “do’s and don’ts” for the best way to move through this transitional time of life.
If you’re divorced and could use some support from others who understand the pain you’re in, consider attending Divorce Care®:
Divorce Care® Recovery Support Group
The Babb Center for Counseling
Tues. evenings—beginning Jan. 15, 2019
Time: 6:30–8 p.m.
Cost: $ 15.00
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To register or read more information on topics covered in Divorce Care®, click on this link https://www.divorcecare.org/groups/99658