Is viewing pornography really that harmful?
If you’re male, more than likely you’ve at least considered this question a time or two. And if you’ve asked it, more than likely you’ve attempted to rationalize its use.
However, I want to begin by acknowledging that porn use is not strictly a male issue. Some females do engage in it as well, although in smaller numbers and usually in different situations than males.
Research by the Institute of Family Studies shows that “women who view pornography were about three to four times more likely to report a pattern of use that was primarily or completely couple-based in viewing pornography together with their partner (i.e., 25% alone, 75% with a partner or 0% alone, 100% with a partner).”
Regardless, pornography is detrimental to everyone touched by it.
Clinically Speaking
While working with men and couples for more than 20 years, the negative aspects of viewing pornography continue to be part of the equation in establishing healthy lifestyles and relationships.
As men, we have the ability to compartmentalize things. I’m a firm believer that the man’s brain must look like boxes and the female brain looks more like spaghetti. What I mean by that is that males are often convinced that certain things will not affect other “boxes,” such as parenting or marriage relationships. In contrast, for the female brain, life situations are much more intertwined. They deal with things more as a whole unit.
In therapy sessions, I focus a great deal of energy with clients exploring self-care, which are attempts made for oneself to “feel better” regarding various stressors in their lives.
The problem for men who engage in pornography is that it serves two very important aspects of self-care for them: as an escape and as a stress reliever. However, by seeking out this type of self-care, it negatively affects relationships with people they truly care about and will actually be detrimental to them.
The Personal Effects of Porn Use
- Creates an unrealistic version of a healthy sex life (as an escape from reality)
- Increases reliance on it for stress relief (through orgasm)
- Decreases the seeking out other positive activities for stress relief
Also, if porn is used on a consistent basis, we will not seek out our spouse for intimacy which will eventually cause our marriage relationship to become stagnant. Over time it will create a lost opportunity to connect.
Sex-crazed Culture
We live in a sexualized society, and with that comes the male population that is extremely visual. This is the perfect setup for difficulty. I see it all the time in our city.
Living just outside Nashville, it is virtually impossible to drive downtown without being inundated with sensual messages through billboards advertising sexually marketed saloons, adult-only hot spots, and erotic bookstores.
We can do very little in reference to these types of things set before us in public viewing areas. However, we do have control over combating our thoughts and changing our focus.
The Rules of Two
In working with clients, I will often discuss the “rules of two.” This means that there is a difference between briefly acknowledging that someone is attractive versus spending two seconds (or longer) fantasizing or objectifying that person.
Also, if I take a second look at someone that comes into my vision, or “look over” someone more than two seconds, that typically means I’m going to an unhealthy place in my thoughts about them. The problem is, as males we are brought up in a culture that normalizes comments such as, “Check that out!” And unfortunately, we often do.
One of the keys to combating pornography issues is being transparent, which creates accountability. Being a husband and father in this day and age of technology and devices, it’s important to be able to share where family members are visiting on the internet. If I wouldn’t want my boys or wife to know what I’m searching for online, I probably don’t need to explore it in the first place.
From a spiritual standpoint, when we search out things that are not of God’s desire, they will take us places we wouldn’t ordinarily go, keep us there longer than we would normally stay, and always cost us more than we want to pay.
4 Steps to Breaking the Cycle of Porn Use
- Get honest with yourself and acknowledge that it has become an issue.
- Put restrictions in place that decrease access to pornography. This includes filters on all electronic devices such as computers and phones. Decreased accessibility is a very important initial step.
- Look for a support system. This goes back to the honesty component. A support system provides encouragement, accountability, as well as education about where continued porn use can take you.
- Lifestyle changes and stress management are also important. We need to engage in life differently to change poor habits and form healthier patterns.
As we examine our physical outlets, spiritual engagement, and relationships in an open and honest way, our lifestyle should start looking very different when pornography is not in the picture.
Remember—trying not to look at pornography will not break your addiction to it. We don’t get clean by simply stopping a compulsive behavior. Our lives improve by starting positive habits and routines (in place of bad ones) on a regular basis.