Last week I shared my story of loss through miscarriage. My experience (both the physical and emotional part) of losing a baby gave me the passion to reach out to other women, so they are not suffering alone.
Some things I personally learned through this loss:
- Grieving is complex
We all have heard of the stages of grief. I don’t believe there is a particular order to them. Some days a bereaving mother may go through all of the stages. For those experiencing it now, I encourage you to “be present” where you are in your grief; don’t rush through to the next step. Be patient with yourself because there is no timeline for mourning. There are so many reminders that trigger your shattered dreams along the way which makes the loss so real over and over.
Note about adoptive couples: Sometimes couples experience a failed adoption effort which can also feel as if they have lost a child. Others who might be adopting later may feel some of the same feelings pop up, so know this group is included in this type of grief as well! - It helps to talk with others
So much of what we are grieving is strange to talk about since we don’t have a live baby for people to remember. Most of the emotions/feelings of loss come from your heart, expectations, and dreams. Find a support group to share this journey with others, even if your experience was a long time ago. - God knows our troubles
When I came home from “delivering” Grace, I opened my One Year Bible, because I felt so heartbroken I wanted to hear something from God. I needed Him to speak directly to me. I was feeling His love in other ways, but I wanted to read my Bible and be assured of His love for me—that He hadn’t forgotten me. I opened my Bible to that day’s reading. I chose to only read the Psalm for the day. I was instantly struck with what I read:
“Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord. You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand! I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there” (Ps. 139:1-8 NLT).
It is no coincidence that my devotional reading was this particular passage from the book of Psalm. The words were both painful and amazing to read at the same time; I knew God was a loving God and that He was revealing to me at the beginning of the passage that He knows everything about my life. It was clear I had to either believe God was demented and mean, or that He was loving me through the difficult time. From what I had previously learned about God’s trustworthiness, I chose to believe God was comforting me through the pain I was feeling. I almost felt as if He was cradling me and my heart so much, and quietly reassuring me that He loved me and would take care of me—that He still had a hand in forming my lost baby.
- We can ask God questions in the midst of our pain.
I spent time with God every day—praying, journaling, and studying the Bible. During this time, I asked God any question that came to mind, and He was faithful to answer each one with something from a book, a Scripture, or even a special song.One day I was concerned that I was skipping something in the grieving process, because I was so focused on hope for future babies. I was listening to a CD that I had not listened to in years when a Steven Curtis Chapman song started playing with the words: “We can grieve with hope.” It turns out he had dedicated that song “With Hope” to anyone who has lost a child or unborn baby years before he and his wife had lost their daughter, Maria. Of course, I was stunned as I heard the words! They ministered to the exact point where I was struggling that morning. God knows our needs before we even mention them. - We can choose to walk by faith!
As much as I wanted another baby, I was also fearful of the future—what if I had to endure multiple losses before having our first child? What was our journey going to be like? I was filled with peace–even if it meant the journey had more loss. My own fear of the future and resistance to accept whatever may come caused me more turmoil than stepping out in blind faith. Thankfully, my God is not blind! I found the courage to take that step when I remembered how God sees the big picture. We can trust Him, even when everything seems to point to heartache and hardship. The wonderful truth is that He walks with us, holding our hand.
As you’re reading this and may be grieving a loss of your own, keep this important truth from Psalm 34:18 in mind: “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted.” I found this to be true with my own experience, as well as with many others who have endured deep loss. This does not mean you won’t get angry at God sometimes, or that you will have unwavering faith. There may still be days you want to cry all day long. But know that you can trust this promise from Scripture to hold true. Be assured that the Lord is near you—and that is enough to get through today!