Raising teenagers is one of those life experiences that can be both challenging and exciting at the same time.
It has been my privilege to raise two biological children and two stepsons (twin brothers God brought into my life when they were young teenagers) to adulthood. Looking back, I can honestly say I enjoyed interacting and relating to them during their teenage years. Were there difficult days? No doubt. Were there days when I questioned if I was up to the task? Absolutely.
As a therapist I now have the opportunity to engage with others who are navigating this stage with their own teenagers. You may have a more challenging situation than most, you may be raising teenagers as a single parent, or you may be filling the parenting role for your grandchildren. Regardless of where you are in the process, there are some basic principles that might be helpful during the days ahead.
Keep these tips in mind when raising teens:
Teenagers are no longer children
The skill sets that worked so well when your kids were younger are no longer effective with them as teenagers. A major task of the teen years is differentiating from adult figures. These budding adults are moving toward a time when they will be independent from the controls of their parents or guardians. They need your help in preparing for this time of life when they assume responsibility for themselves.
Communication is key!
Create rules and expectations and then clearly communicate them to your teenagers, but keep them to a minimum. Avoid a multitude of picky rules that tend to pollute your relationship. Reality is, adults are only with their teenagers for a brief time each day. Why have a large number of detailed decrees you cannot possibly monitor or enforce? Rules that encourage teenagers to set healthy boundaries, relate honestly, and respect other people are most important.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Encourage communication while at the same time respecting your teenager’s right to privacy. My experience working with teenagers tells me they desire a warm and positive relationship with parents. They want to communicate, share, and seek advice. When they do not, it is often out of fear they will be judged, punished, or rejected. Why do teenagers lie? They lie because telling the truth often results in disapproval, restrictions and rejection. If you want your teenagers to communicate with you, you need to impress on them that they can share anything with you. Be prepared, however, to hear some “bad news.” In fact, if you never hear “bad news,” the truth is you are most likely not hearing everything from your teenager.
Consequences—for good or bad
Allow teenagers to experience the logical outcomes for their behavior. Teenagers must learn there are consequences for their behaviors. Protecting them from these consequences or bailing them out of these situations keeps them from learning important lessons.
Don’t force it
Share your beliefs and values with your teenagers but do not try to push your beliefs and values on them too hard. I once heard an expert in adult-adolescent relationships say, “Teenagers have an allergic reaction to being controlled.” I believe this is true. In fact, my experience is all people—not just teenagers—resist attempts of being controlled. Forcing your beliefs and values on your teenagers will meet with resistance. On the other hand, living out those values in your own life usually results in your teenagers adopting these same values in their lives.