One of the difficult parts of parenting we all face is knowing what to do when our child is doing too much of one thing or not enough of another. Part of this struggle centers around their motivation.
In my work, I spend a lot of time with parents talking through ways to motivate their kids for positive change. Here are a few suggestions I often provide:
Expand your tool kit
I frequently ask parents to list ways they motivate their children and what I hear most often is: (a) giving them a reward for doing something right or (b) punishing them for doing something wrong.
With this in mind, we tend to gravitate to the same strategy over time. So if you are the rewarding type, you give lots of praise or candy or special meals. If you are the punishing type, then you gravitate to using time-out, grounding your child, or other similar responses.
Take time to ensure your response fits the situation and that you are not trying to use the “usual” because that will not work every time. When we are tired, exhausted, or busy we tend to go to our “usual,” so take time to consider other response options ahead of time. In the heat of the moment, we are definitely not thinking our clearest!
Consider taking rather than giving
Most people think that giving “stuff” is motivating, and sometimes resentment builds up in parents because they feel pressured to pay out something for good behavior. I encourage you to think differently about this and to consider “taking” as a source of motivation.
Your child might think that you buying an ice cream cone for him was nice, but if you took away their chore to load the dishwasher tonight after dinner then they would be ecstatic! Not only is this easy to do, but it also doesn’t cost any money!
There are lots of things that your child or teen doesn’t enjoy doing, so the next time they need a little motivation, consider giving them a break from something they don’t want to do. If you are not sure where to start, make a list of the times in which they really don’t want to do something. Those activities are a great place to start. Remember to do it after you see steps of success that you want to see more of, because rewarding (by removing) before success only works in very specific situations.
Give the gift of you
This is most important in the motivation process. One of the most powerful ways to motivate your child or teen is to give some of your time and let them be center stage. That means there is no TV on in the background, no smartphone in your hand, and nothing else to distract you.
If you’re overbooked and overburdened, your child may feel they only get your undivided attention when the report card is bad or their choices are wrong. Take a moment and assess your time with them. When do you engage with them the most? When they are in trouble or when they are doing things right? If that is where you are, then make a plan for change, and give the gift of your undivided attention when they are not doing anything wrong. Playing whatever they want to play and listening to whatever they want to talk about (and withholding your opinions at the moment), is one of the most motivating things you can do as a parent.
As you can see, motivation for kids is fluid and will change from day to day and sometimes moment to moment. If parents can learn to continually rely on God to give wisdom and discernment on how to handle each opportunity to motivate change, behavior and heart change can happen in the lives of those we call our own.