“You just don’t get it!!”
As kids, we all had this thought running through our minds when it came to our parents and their “old-school ways.” After all—how could they not see things from our perspective? Were they blind, or what?
Now, we are our parents—in many ways. And trying to “survive” living with kids who are thinking (and saying) the very same things to us.
So, how do we make it through these difficult years when we’re trying to hold on to the easier days of yesterday (when they were sweet babies) while they’re trying to navigate the crazy world around them, and simply want us to “get it”?
Enter the teen zone
Like it or not, as parents we have to find common ground with our kids in order to better communicate with them. If we’re not in tune with their world, believe me—they’ll find someone who is!
But how do we discover mutual interests with our children since, after all, they’re just kids and we’re “refined” adults? Actually, it’s not as hard as you may think!
First—step back to observe and listen. It only takes a few minutes for their interests (and concerns) to become apparent.
Common interests of most teenagers
Obviously, there will be a few activities unique to some kids, but for the most part the following list includes many of their faves:
- Social media
- Dating
- Watching YouTube videos
- Netflix marathons
- Sleepovers with friends
- Computer gaming
- Athletics or music groups
Get reacquainted
You’re not the first parent to wonder: Who is this kid?? I feel like I don’t even know my own child anymore!
Just as it is for you to get acquainted with your friends at work or church, sometimes we have to become more familiar with our own children.
After all, kids change in many ways as they’re maturing. Physical and developmental growth is obvious for all to see. But other transformations happen during these same years that are not as noticeable to the eye—which means we have to be intentional about discovering what’s going on inside them.
Here’s where we have to do some work, Mom and Dad!
This point of reminder may be hard for us parents to hear—but we need to put aside our cell phones more often and give full attention to our kids! We’re still modeling behavior for them—how to act, how to communicate, how to be attentive to others around us. So, we really can’t blame our children for staring at their phones—instead of listening—if that is what they observe from us each day.
These mouths were made for talkin’
There’s no better way of getting [re]acquainted with someone—including your child—than simply talking and listening to one another. Now that we know some of the things our kids are highly interested in, we need to spend time communicating with them about these very things.
For example, “Hey Sam, tell me about that new computer game you and Aiden were playing yesterday. It sounded like you were having a great time. Can you show it to me and explain how it works?” Or, “Emma, what are some popular music videos that are fun to watch on YouTube? I want to see that new dance everyone is talking about.”
Simple expressions of interest like this will go a long way with your kids! Suddenly, you’ve gone from “out of touch” to “interested in me” status. And whether your child actually says these words or not, they think it’s great that you’ve noticed them and want to keep up with their interests!
Use their common sense(s)
There are reasons God created us in His image (Gen. 1:27). He gave us five senses to discover the world around us, and to help us relate to Himself and to one another. Reconnect with your child by using these faculties. Here are just a few examples:
- Touch
As children mature, they often cringe at times if you are overly affectionate with them. But I’ve discovered with my son that even boys still want a caring touch now and then. We no longer snuggle up on the couch together like we did when he was in preschool. But a quick, gentle touch to his arm conveys the message of love that he still needs from me. Touch is a sweet reminder of connection and security between parent and child.
- Taste
Most kids have favorite food items they believe are best made by their mom! My son has several of these in mind. When I know he’s had a challenging time with school projects or other events, making one of his favorite meals or desserts brings comfort and love between us. Think of your own child’s favorites and plan a time to surprise her in this way.
- Sight
How do you know someone is interested in what you’re saying to them? Most often, by their consistent eye contact. The same is true between children and their parents. Connecting with your child’s eyes conveys love, acceptance, and interest all at the same time. It’s easy as that!
- Hear
Listen to the words your tween says as she communicates with you. Just as importantly, pay attention for inflections in her voice that can cue you on the emotional state behind her words. Is she feeling anxious? happy? scared? or worried?
- Smell
This may seem like a funny one to consider, but scents often form (and bring back) memories. Just think about the smell of freshly sharpened pencils or a box of crayons and the memories you have from childhood. You can form new images for your teen, too, as you relate to them. Does your son have a favorite pie? Ask him if he recognizes the scent—without peeking—as it bakes in the oven this weekend. He’ll hold onto scent-related memories for a lifetime.
Becoming more approachable—and available—to your rising teenager as they’re maturing can happen! It simply takes some intentionality on your part to rediscover the awesome qualities in them that God created!